A singer known as Alanis Morrissette once said in a song of hers (obviously the song's name is ironic):
"Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when you think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face"
Correlating these lines with my life gives me amazing results. I have always believed that I am a damn lucky chap. Things have always sorted themselves out and I never had to worry muc about them. Life always has a funny way of helping me out. But then maybe there were not many things I cared about in my life. As in there was nothing that I cared about enough to be afraid to lose it. Maybe thats why life always worked things out for me, because it knew that it wouldn't make much of a difference to me if it didn't.
But then something happened, I started caring. I started caring for one. And somehow that triggered something in me and started caring about all. I was no longer that nonchalant guy to whom nothing made much of a difference. I started caring about how I would be affecting the lives of the people around me. I started caring for my family members. I started caring for the girl who made me start to care.
And then suddenly I start feeling that everything is going right for me and everything's okay. But then something went wrong. The earlier me wouldn't even have cared for it. He would have just taken it in as every other news and moved on. But the present me started caring, started thinking how it would affect the people around him, started worrying about the future.
I was never the kind of guy who got angry or frustrated ever. But now I started becoming frustrated at times thinking about the future. Small things started getting me angry. Since I cared about the people around me, I started taking care in doing certain things. I took special care in avoiding certain stuff. And when those stuff would happen, I would get angry and frustrated. And the worst part is that when I would get angry, I only end up hurting the people I care about. It is kind of ironic. It is for them I worry, and that is what causes me to hurt them.
I worry about the person who made me start to care. I feel there is not much I can give her, and I want her to be truly happy. But I feel that she would happy if she finds a better guy than me. I feel a great girl like her will always find a guy who will love her his heart and soul, and he wouldn't bring along so much baggage with him. I know that given that fact that I didn't have these issues stuck with me, I would have kept this girl really happy. But now I feel I might hurt her in not just emotional way but physical way too. And the thing is that she will happily stay with me through all this; she will tolerate all this without a single complaint, but I can't live through this guilt of hurting her like this. I care too much about her. Or maybe I am too selfish. Who knows??!!
But at the same time, I will hurt her by leaving her now. And knowing her as I do, I don't know if she can recover from it. I can't understand which is the lesser of the two evil.
Same thing goes for my parents. They don't understand that all I am trying to do is not to hurt them. But they are parents, they will care - hell I would have cared if I were in their position. But what should I do?
As in there is also the case of me making too big deal about something that it not worth that much attention. It is not that people do not have a happy life with people having the same problem as me. Maybe I am just caring too much !!! Well I find it funny how I have become like this, this guy who worries so much and makes a fuss over the smallest of things. But somehow I feel these small things might affect others, and if I don't take care, it could be something bad.
And the worst part is that the more I worry, it is the people I care about who are getting hurt. Isn't it Ironic....don't you think !!!!!
But then life has a funny way of helping you out when everything's wrong and everything blows up in your face.......
