Life Saver

The first step to recovery is admitting that I have an addiction. And I have an addiction. I do not know when it started but I am sure I have had it for over a decade. Obviously it was not as bad then as it is now, and it has progressively grown worse.

I remember the beginnings of this addiction. I remember it was towards the end of my high school years. I would see my friends doing it. When I would visit their homes, I would do some as well. And it was alright. It was definitely not love (or addiction) at first sight. Sometimes it was fun, sometimes it was just ok. But I had to pretend to my friends that I was enjoying myself because that was cool. It progressively grew on me and I started borrowing some from my friend to take it back home. I would sit in the corner of my room late in the night, when my parents were fast asleep, jacking up on it. Sometimes I would just stay awake till the wee hours of the morning indulging myself. My parents wondered why I would have so much trouble waking up for school, but they just assumed I was up studying. Oh my gullible parents!

But then just borrowing from friends was not enough anymore. I got some pocket money from my parents, and I would try to save up enough to buy myself some of it. That seemed to be enough. But not for long. And thats how addictions work. I was desperately looking for other avenues - friends and my pocket money was not enough. And then I found my sister's stash. I did not realize she was into it as well. Well she was not that into it, she did it sometimes for fun. But I started stealing from her and fueling my addiction.

My last two years in high school was in a dorm, and a strict one at that. At home my parents weren't paying attention to me and hence did not realize I had an addiction. But it was probably because they were not looking for it. This dorm, however, was very strict about these things. There were be random checks looking for such things. It was kinda hard to keep the addiction going there. So I would eagerly wait for the weekends when I could get back home and continue it. I would spend as much time as possible within those two days to jack me up with enough for the week. But it was just not enough. And I found out my roommate was interested in it as well. So we sneaked it in our rooms. All the boys in our dorm would just come to our room to feed their addiction. So everybody would keep an eye out of the checks as well. And I managed to graduate from high school without ever getting caught. And that obviously meant, my addiction continued.

And to make it worse, my roommate in my college turned out to be as much of an addict as I was. He even had all the equipment. And as you can imagine, so many days were spent in my first year in college, missing classes and sitting in our rooms jacking ourselves up. And it was all downhill from there.

Now I am so stuck on it, that I carry it around every waking minute in my pocket. And that iPod keeps injecting that music in my ears round the clock. But hey, this continuous music playing in my ears is the only thing that shuts down my deafening internal monologue now.........

Who says addiction does not help you in the long run?